aroraborealis | (no subject)

Depends muchly on who is doing the telling, and how.

If you had said "painful" instead of difficult, I would have answered the second question differently. The difficulty there is that I'll feel more compelled to struggle with something that I'm already having a hard time convincing myself of. That's not painful, it's just work.

Of course :)

For my own answers, I was assuming a friend -- someone close and loving, telling me with good intentions.

Yes, that's what I'm interested in! For me, it's not really work to see my flaws, or to imagine that someone else sees some that I don't, and it's important to me to see myself clearly in that way. It is significant work to come to encompass and embody good things about myself that I don't already see. And it is important to me also to have clear eyes about those things, but ... that's more work.

Edited 2010-01-12 17:28 (UTC)

Ha! I was imagining a good boss -- someone whose job it is to give me positive and negative feedback. I imagined them doing it with a professional, supportive demeanor.

Somehow I needed to imagine it was someone with the "right" to give me negative feedback, otherwise it might get my hackles up more.

Somehow I needed to imagine it was someone with the "right" to give me negative feedback, otherwise it might get my hackles up more.

Yes, wow, does context make a difference!

Beyond who is telling and how, these things also feel different to me if they're surprises than if they're things I have considered. If it's a surprise, it's usually harder to hear because it jars more with my self-perception, but I feel like I'm more likely to have considered the possibility of bad things being true than of good things being so.

I'm surprised by the face that I'm in the minority when it comes to the last question. If someone says something good about me that I don't believe, I find it very easy to sluff it off: "Oh, it's nice that they think that, but I guess they don't know me that well" or some such. If it's someone who does know me well...hm...I guess I just always find it easier hearing positive things. ;-)

oh, huh! i... didn't approach these questions from a standpoint of "things i need to learn." perhaps i'm too arrogant! i felt it'd be easier to hear someone tell me bad things about myself that i didn't believe-- because i'd just ignore them-- than good things i didn't believe-- because i'd feel guilty at being complimented undeservingly.

for the purposes of this poll*, "more difficult to hear" was played by "more difficult to accept", because anyone I could hear say any of these things I could listen to all day long with no difficulty. Because clearly, I am just that awesome.

* This is no fault of the poll, just my vocabulary, I suppose.

I can't answer this poll. I'm always vaguely-to-moderately uncomfortable hearing good things about myself, whether I know them to be true or not. ;)

I make a huge effort to know bad things about myself, because when I was little, people used those things as weapons against me, and I needed to be able to disarm them. Now it's habit to be self-aware, so those kinds of discussions usually don't happen without me bringing up bad things about myself first. I don't feel uncomfortable if someone else comments about them; I work on what I can, and I live with what I can't.

Edited 2010-01-12 18:34 (UTC)

For the first one (things I believe), I had a hard time answering; I have problems with both of them, in different ways (and, to be fair, in different modes; each are easier than the other sometimes).

Yeah, I'm with you on both counts. I don't assume that if someone says something good I don't believe that it's something I need to accept as a good quality-- it seems more likely that they just don't know me well. (Like when my midwife said "I can't imagine you as other than calm." Ha! She's funny.)

And yeah, I feel kinda shallow answering that was, but it's just easier to hear nice things than bad things, because it means the person feels positively towards me and that's nicer than the opposite.

I'm making a distinction hear between easier to hear and easier to answer. I think across the board nice things are easier to hear, but negative comments are usually easier to answer, because accepting compliments is awkward.

Yeah, pretty much the way it is for me too.

I figured I'd be less emotionally involved in bad things I didn't believe, even if I were open to being wrong about it.

Yeah, that question was the easiest for me to answer -- if it's bad stuff that I don't believe, I have less trouble defending myself or ignoring it. If it's bad stuff that I might not be sure whether it's true or not, then I have to stop and challenge myself to evaluate (that's where I have the most room to hear "things I need to learn"). That's hard. And if it's bad stuff that I also believe about myself, then it's hard because I have a hard time giving myself a break when someone's in my face about my soft pink belly, even when I know it's there. Maybe because it's hard to be okay with other people knowing where my soft pink belly is.

(Or my soft pink heart, as per icon.)

So if you've considered the possibility of something being true, then you're less likely to experience cognitive dissonance about its possibility? It sounds to me like that's what we're talking about here, although maybe I'm projecting. I know I'm thinking about cognitive dissonance when I'm looking at these questions.

And yeah, I feel kinda shallow answering that was, but it's just easier to hear nice things than bad things, because it means the person feels positively towards me and that's nicer than the opposite.

Indeed! Also, to me, something negative means potentially needing to do some work, because even if I think they're wrong, it still means that I may need to change how I act in order to not give that wrong impression. Something positive doesn't require any self-examination of potentially-painful behavioural adjustments.

this was my image too.

I also make huge effort to know bad things about myself, for the same reason..although that didn't start for me until college.

I'm with both of you.

exactly.