I have to choose? :) I'd say it's better to be wanted because I am known, as in, I'd want to be really known and understood by people and then have them want to be around me/with me because of that.
Being wanted definitely has serious appeal (and I interpreted "wanted" as synonymous with "desired"), but ultimately, I tend to find being known (as in, being understood) more satifying.
Though of course, the best is being known and wanted by the same person/people...
I chose wanted because I *hope* it presupposes knowledge (as in the "he really knows me, y'know?" kind). I like it when people know me, and want me anyway. Want me around, at the very least.
My last therapist and I went through a lot of things that I have fears about... And I used to think that I was most afraid of being alone. Then I took a vacation alone--4 days with no access to people I knew. I mean, I could have made an overseas telephone call in an emergency, but no internet, no cellphone, etc. And I was fine. And I realized that I'm not afraid of being alone (unless we're talking stranded on desert island forever!) but of no one *wanting* to be with me. This has difficult ramifications sometimes because even perfectly legitimate times when people want to be with other people and not with me often hurt my feelings. Nothing really to be done about that, and slowly it's getting better. But, while I like, say, gestures that show that people really know me (picking up on a book that they think I'll like that I actually do; presents that I never would have thought of that I like a lot; phone calls on significant days that you would only know are significant if you're paying attention...etc.) I most like gestures that show that they like/want me around (calls just to say hi, showing up to invites, inviting me places, saying it's would be important/nice for me to be a certain place with them, saying they're glad to see me, dropping by to say hi {even though I don't always handle that well, 'cause I NEVER expect it and get flustered if I'm in my bathrobe etc.})
I figure, also, that being known is something that can grow with time; I can teach you about myself, as it were. But that you want me--this seems like a spontaneous upswelling in *you*, rather than something I can actually help out with.
Funny that you should post this today. These subjects (can you tell?) have been on my mind a lot recently.
Well, with your username, I should think these subjects would always be on your mind! :)
But, yeah, I've thought a lot about how the same circumstance (say, for example, being alone) can feel very different when it's a choice vs. somehow chosen for you.
When I first heard the formulation of being wanted vs. being known, I was like, "Duh, being known!" but the more I think about it, the more complicated it seems. I mean, I want to want to be known, and certainly by the people with whom I have strong relationships, I want to be known, but there's something compelling, also, about being wanted, and, as you say, there has to be enough wanting to even get to the part about being known, so...
If someone gets to know me well, and decides on the basis of that knowledge that they don't want to be around me -- well, that hurts, potentially a lot.
But if someone wants to be around me but shows little or no interest in who I am, that's worse. It can go on and on and on, and can interfere with my ability to enjoy being alone or with other people.
So, given the forced choice, 'tis better to be known. But I'd prefer both to be dancing together.
On the other hand, I don't believe that one can be utterly known by another, and combining your point and my belief could lead to feeling rather alienated. Obviously, the best is to have a good interplay of both, but having the easy answer available on a poll never leads to interesting discussions.
Completely not related to your poll, but I just added you :) This is Brandie of Bart and Brandie...though once in a while it is Bart, too. But right now, it is Brandie. Hiya!
Yay! I've been meaning to pull out the slip of paper with your username on it and keep forgetting! I've added you to my flist. I'll be in DC at the end of July/beginning of August and will let you know when I know more :)
To a first approximation, my goal is always to be known. Wanted is, of course, pleasant. But being unwanted based on knowledge is workable on. And being wanted based on ignorance is unreliable.
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the hierarchy
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Though of course, the best is being known and wanted by the same person/people...
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My last therapist and I went through a lot of things that I have fears about... And I used to think that I was most afraid of being alone. Then I took a vacation alone--4 days with no access to people I knew. I mean, I could have made an overseas telephone call in an emergency, but no internet, no cellphone, etc. And I was fine. And I realized that I'm not afraid of being alone (unless we're talking stranded on desert island forever!) but of no one *wanting* to be with me. This has difficult ramifications sometimes because even perfectly legitimate times when people want to be with other people and not with me often hurt my feelings. Nothing really to be done about that, and slowly it's getting better. But, while I like, say, gestures that show that people really know me (picking up on a book that they think I'll like that I actually do; presents that I never would have thought of that I like a lot; phone calls on significant days that you would only know are significant if you're paying attention...etc.) I most like gestures that show that they like/want me around (calls just to say hi, showing up to invites, inviting me places, saying it's would be important/nice for me to be a certain place with them, saying they're glad to see me, dropping by to say hi {even though I don't always handle that well, 'cause I NEVER expect it and get flustered if I'm in my bathrobe etc.})
I figure, also, that being known is something that can grow with time; I can teach you about myself, as it were. But that you want me--this seems like a spontaneous upswelling in *you*, rather than something I can actually help out with.
Funny that you should post this today. These subjects (can you tell?) have been on my mind a lot recently.
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But, yeah, I've thought a lot about how the same circumstance (say, for example, being alone) can feel very different when it's a choice vs. somehow chosen for you.
When I first heard the formulation of being wanted vs. being known, I was like, "Duh, being known!" but the more I think about it, the more complicated it seems. I mean, I want to want to be known, and certainly by the people with whom I have strong relationships, I want to be known, but there's something compelling, also, about being wanted, and, as you say, there has to be enough wanting to even get to the part about being known, so...
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Catherine Aird
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If someone gets to know me well, and decides on the basis of that knowledge that they don't want to be around me -- well, that hurts, potentially a lot.
But if someone wants to be around me but shows little or no interest in who I am, that's worse. It can go on and on and on, and can interfere with my ability to enjoy being alone or with other people.
So, given the forced choice, 'tis better to be known. But I'd prefer both to be dancing together.
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On the other hand, I don't believe that one can be utterly known by another, and combining your point and my belief could lead to feeling rather alienated. Obviously, the best is to have a good interplay of both, but having the easy answer available on a poll never leads to interesting discussions.
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*perk* Tyrammisu?
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(Also, I had a totally not-worksafe gut reaction to that comment. Tsk.)
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Wanted is, of course, pleasant.
But being unwanted based on knowledge is workable on.
And being wanted based on ignorance is unreliable.
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