aroraborealis

As I've mentioned before, I'm not currently experiencing mad love for my work world, but I do really appreciate working for a place with a genuinely good culture. Not perfect, whatever that means, and I can certainly point to some things I'd like to be different, but! It's not toxic, and my colleagues are generally thoughtful and well-meaning, with low-ego and a real desire to be part of a team that works well together.

A red flag in any team I'm getting to know is any refrain about wanting or only hiring "A players". The longer my working experience gets, the more I know that pretty much everyone can be an A player in the right circumstance. Any leader who's all on about wanting A players is likely using that as code for "they fit my narrow definition of success".

I work with a lot of internal hiring managers to match new employees with their teams, and I consistently get feedback from them that amounts to: "This person is slow about the technical learnings, but I see them working hard and really incorporating feedback, so I don't mind" and it makes me feel good to be working with them the way I do.

It's easy these days to focus on the areas where I'm frustrated, but this isn't something I find just anywhere, and I really appreciate it every time it happens.

Current Mood: chipper

I've been feeling extra swamped and short on time since the holidays, and attributing it to a few things. But this weekend, I stopped and did some math and discovered that I've worked over 50 hours in the last 5 weeks for the community organization I've gotten involved in. Well, no wonder I'm feeling a difference, given that!

I don't have any reason to think it's going to keep up at that pace -- January was unusual for the organization, and it took us all by surprise -- but if it does, I'm going to have to rethink my involvement or the other demands on my time, or both, because I feel like I've been racing at a breakneck speed through my days, and I don't think I want it to be like this all the time.

Current Mood: tired

I recently had someone at work ask me to mentor her, explicitly. I know that a lot of the people who work for me see me as a mentor (because they say so), but this was a first. It feels incredibly fucking awesome to be seen that way by smart, capable people who I respect and admire. Holy shit. It is a powerful force against the voices of insecurity and self-doubt when they drop by for tea.

In March, I nominally took over a team of an unspecified number of people. The number was unspecified because it was unknown! So one of my first tasks was to figure out, based on organization and role, how many people were in what would ultimately become my team.

That number turns out to be 40, which is a lot of people! And yesterday, I took them out of the office for a day to start to build an explicit sense of team by working together to create a brand statement and some team agreements.

I've run a lot of offsites and workshops in a lot of settings and for a variety of configurations of people, but this was my first time designing, planning, organizing, and running this kind of event as the head of the team. It was interestingly basically entirely familiar and also completely strange and different. In particular, I repeatedly found myself joshing around with the team, and then having a twist of realization that, wait, I'm the boss! Which, I don't know, it's not like that changes that we're all humans together, and, yet, it also totally changes things, and in ways that are probably less perceptible to me than to others.

Forty people is a lot! I'm feeling this in a lot of ways, especially because I currently don't have enough managers in the team, so I have too many people reporting directly to me. I'm in the process of changing this, and I dearly hope to have at least two and possibly three more managers on board by the end of the year.

I've also never managed managers before! And I'm learning that that has its own challenges and pitfalls, possibly more for me than the initial transition to management.

I feel like I'm having a similar kind of fun to having kids: It's exhausting, demanding, tiring ... but there are moments of brilliant satisfaction and reward, and if I can navigate the process successfully, I'll feel like I created something amazing. But my day-to-day happiness is definitely taking a hit.

At least they haven't taken to waking me up in the middle of the night!

Current Mood: worn

A thing I hadn't really thought about when I switched from moving from managing a team of 6 or 7 to managing a team of 40 is this: if each person has only one crisis a year where they need their manager's help, with 40 people, that's almost every week.

And it turns out, the frequency is a bit more than that. So it makes sense that I feel like I've been actively helping people put out fires at a high rate since March.

Current Mood: tired

The other important-to-me discovery/realization of the last month: I really thrive in chaos. I feel more lit-up and engaged since the sudden increase in the pace, scope, and level of surprise of changes around the office than I have since my first three months in my first role at the company. It can't stay this way, and it wouldn't be healthy if it did, but WOW, I think that would work for me.

Current Mood: chipper

I've had four bosses in the last 6 months. December 2014 was my last month reporting to the CTO, who hired me into my current place of employ in the first place. In January, he moved into a new role, and I briefly reported to his successor. This was always intended to be a temporary setup, a placeholder while administrative gears turned in the background,; though I was reporting to him, I wasn't working for him, as I was using the time to wrap up and hand off my old job while I started to lay the groundwork for the new one, so I kind of don't count him. In early March, I officially started my new job, reporting to boss3, an executive who had been with the company since basically the beginning (17 years). In mid-May, she and the company abruptly parted ways, and I suddenly found myself reporting to the CFO.

So, it's been a chaotic time. But that whole story is just a little contextual backstory for the actual story of my first meeting with my new new boss. As my previous boss had left the company in a fashion that might lead one to think there were substantial disagreements in important decisions, I decided to use my first 1:1 to run her through my nascent program and make sure we were on the same page. I did, and none of it was a surprise to her, and she was in full support of it. Hooray!

And then she said, "I trust you as a professional leading this project, so don't wait for permission, just do what you think is best. I'll be comfortable reining you in if I need to."

So, that was a surprisingly explicit blank check! I wasn't surprised that that's how she felt -- upon reflection, I think all three of my prior bosses felt this way -- but this is the first time anyone has said that to me so broadly and concretely. In the 2 weeks since this conversation, it has slowly been dawning on me the depth and breadth of what this means, and how I can enact it.

And it's interesting, too, to realize that -- even though all of my bosses at my current company have probably held the same opinion -- I have been operating under the Seeking Permission paradigm. What does it even mean for me to simply do what I think is best? It means not just doing the job that's on the paper, but pursuing other tasks and projects that are interesting to me. It means just making things happen that I want to happen. It means ... I don't even know. I'm simultaneously gobsmacked at the mandate and annoyed with myself that it feels like such a profound change.

Current Mood: happy

I always have a post-event drop after a large event, and I just finished my largest event ever: 400 people for four days at the Mount Washington Resort in New Hampshire. I started planning it over a year ago, and at the beginning of this year, I handed off most of the remaining planning (which is a lot) to my then-assistant (now successor as I've moved into my new role), but it still felt a lot like my event, especially since most people there identify me as a person who can answer their questions or solve their problems.

Also, although it was 400 very smart people, almost none of them are able to find their way out of a paper bag, which leads to a LOT of frankly baffling questions. Like: "Should I eat lunch before or after I put my suitcase on the bus?" Dude! You pick! Are you hungry now? Do you want to stop dragging your suitcase around? Both options are fine!

Overall, it was awesome. The Mount Washington Resort is fantastically beautiful, and the staff was unmatched by any other venue I've ever worked with, and the agenda worked super well, and our attendees were, in general, well-behaved, even if clueless.

On the other hand, we had a handful of prima donnas who threw dramatics over minor and soluble issues, which was a definite downside. My favorite was the fellow who, outraged, insisted he was going to fly home to California if he was going to have to share a bathroom. (Some of our guests were staying in townhouses with some shared bathrooms.)

But the highlight for me was that it was kind of a victory lap for me. This is the event I've run every year in my role as "Minister of Fun" at athena, and this group is sort of my "home base" group at the company. I was given pretty free rein to institute a number of programs that made their lives at work better and more fun, so they really like me a lot, and they're geeks, so of course I love them.

They surprised me with a thank you ceremony that involved a giant cake reading "So long and thanks for all the fish", and a set of gifts that included a fancy pair of noise-canceling headphones, a set of five gorgeous metal dice, a Star Trek sushi-making kit, an 8-bit mug, a useless box, a plastic crown and scepter, a velvet cape, and ... a drone. Oh! And an air cannon. And a truly absurdly decadent donut covered in frosting. And they said a lot of nice things about me. It was incredibly heartwarming and affirming.

Later, I sang karaoke by myself for the first time ever ("You Don't Mess Around with Jim" by Jim Croce -- with thanks to

regyt for the suggestion), because I realized I was there with a group of people I truly didn't mind making a fool of myself in front of, and one of my colleagues told me she hopes her 8 year old daughter grows up to be like me, and another one told me that I make everything I touch better.

So, that was all super nice, and really well-timed, because outside of work, things are pretty sad and hard for me right now, but I have a lot of good friends, and my family is awesome, so I think I'll get through.

Current Mood: complicated

Part of what I love about where I work that makes it stand out from any of the other places I've ever worked (including the places I liked!) is that there's true opportunity for growth (for me). I think this largely has to do with it being an organization that's a great fit for me, with work that I enjoy doing and that the company needs done.

I'm sure I learned and grew in other positions I had, but it was never easy for me to put my finger on my major accomplishments or achievements. It was always like, "I did my job, as requested."

This is the first place where I've been given a lot of leeway and been able to really make my way in the organization, and where my contributions -- uniquely mine -- were just the thing.

It's a good feeling.

Current Mood: chipper

As is my annual tradition, I'll be celebrating Thanksgiving with seven days of thanks this week. Please join me, if you're so inclined!

Today, I give thanks for work I don't know for sure I can do until I've done it or not.

I love my job, and I love feeling competent at my work, but one of the most valuable gifts my current role gives me is the opportunity to stretch my wings and try things that I might not succeed at. Sometimes I don't succeed! But I always learn from it when I don't, and as a result of these stretch goals, this year has been full of major competence milestones that demonstrate to me that I have really learned and grown in my professional self in a way that I absolutely never could have expected.

I don't love failing, when I do. It feels lousy, no matter what, but failing and surviving gives my insecure inner voice less and less ground to stand on when it tries to talk me out of dreaming big.

I want this for everyone! And I give huge, huge thanks to the great good fortune that it's an aspect of my life these days.

Current Mood: thankful

So, I'm watching this video about unconscious bias in the workplace -- https://www.gv.com/lib/unconscious-bias-at-work -- and I'm about 20 minutes in, and I'm thinking about my own stuff around this. It's interesting, because I have a team of administrative professionals reporting to me, so it's not surprising that it's all women. And actually, we're doing okay on racial representation, with 4 white, one Latina, and one Asian American reporting to me.

BUT, I have interviewed over 20 people in the last year, and not one of them has been black. If you expand this to all the people I've video screened (this is a weird thing we do where people answer 4 questions on video in advance of a phone screen), I've probably seen over 100 candidates for entry- to mid-level, and only one of them has been black.

So, my task for my next rounds of hiring is to ask my recruiter why I'm not seeing any black candidates. There is absolutely no reason this should be the case, and now that I see the gap, I'm pretty disturbed by it. Part of what's great about my team is that I see administrative work as a way for an excellent but green or otherwise nontraditional candidate to get their foot in the door at our company and, if they're interested, grow into other roles in other teams. This is exactly the kind of opportunity that would be ideal for underrepresented populations, but somehow we're filtering them out before they get to me.

I'll let you know how it goes.

Current Mood: frustrated

Good things today:

* had a GREAT conversations about my potential job next year. Super promising and encouraging, basically, everything I want. Nothing is guaranteed, but my desires have been heard, validated, and encouraged, and the process goes to the next step. It's a big enough organizational change that it goes through our senior leadership team next. Fingers crossed!
* solo cocktails and oysters then joined by

amber_phoenix
* awesome dinner and walk home with

amber_phoenix
* unseasonably warm weather
* super nice talk with my brother

Generally just feeling so lucky and blessed.

Fall is busy. This month, I have:

3 days in Maine, starting tomorrow. One final weekend of wedding prep for friends' upcoming nuptials, then possibly a 2-day trip to CA, then a 2-day meeting I'm leading, but the second day of which I will hand off to my team so I can do wedding stuff. Then the wedding, then the following weekend the Food for Free fundraiser and sleep. The next Monday, I go to Maine again for 3 days, then spend a night at home before heading to CA, and from there, to Austin for the first week in November. What is even happening?

I actually feel really oversubscribed, both in my calendar and in my head. I'm also in the middle of about 50 gazillion conversations about what my job might be next year and trying to be clear in my head and heart about what's right and best for me in that. This will invariably mean letting down between 3 and 400 people.

Having put this all down on paper over the weekend, I realized that I will do better to start proactively doing a little scheduling bonsai, so I'm trying to move one CA trip and block some big chunks of time for self-care and introvert time.

Here goes!

Current Mood: busy

Colleague: What's the best thing about your job?
Me: The people!
Colleague: What's the hardest thing about your job?
Me: The people!
Colleague: …

Current Mood: lol

Here's a thing that's been happening more and more to me at work, that makes me feel appreciated and valued:

People come to me for my opinion about their efforts and/or engagement. Increasingly, people of various organizational proximity come to me for my thoughts on a program before they have it fully fleshed out, or prior to its rollout, looking for critical feedback on potential problems or oversights. And people at various levels of the organization have approached me for personal/interpersonal feedback -- both official and informal -- on how they interact with our mutual colleagues, both looking for tips and tricks, and for productive critique for going forward.

It makes me feel like I'm making a difference, both organizationally and interpersonally, and I really like it.

Current Mood: chipper

Me, to colleague: Well, we can spend a lot of time talking about whether we're really going to do this thing I want or not, but at the end of the day, we're going to decide to do it, so we'll save all that time if we just jump to figuring out how to make it happen.

Halp! I'm going to be filmed as part of an audience for a food-related "reality" style show tomorrow, and I will almost certainly be singled out for face time on the camera. This is in the context of my work.

Unlike past TV appearances, where I was representing myself and my freaky little subculture(s), I feel like I need to look both professional and fun.

I have no idea what to wear. If you're one of my friends who's familiar with my wardrobe, halp!??

Current Mood: nervous

If your office were gathering information about your preferences regarding future workspace, what topics would you want them to be sure to include?

Current Mood: curious

I arrived in Austin on Monday around noon, and it's been nonstop fun ever since! I'm wiped out, which is great, since tomorrow I fly to SF and do it all again there! :D :D

I mean, actually, everything is fine; I have an incredibly great bunch of colleagues down here, and it's super fun to see them and go out with them all the damn time, but I think I might actually wind up with basically a free night tonight, which simultaneously makes me wish I'd gotten tickets to SF for tonight AND makes me feel so grateful for a night off that I could pee myself with excitement about it.

Other great things:
* it's been in the 70s or low 80s every day I've been here. PURE BLISS.
* the food scene here is more like SF and less like Boston -- lots of locavore gastropubs and such
* including the best truffle fries I've ever had!
* really good to get face time with the people here

A coworker asked me as I left the office this afternoon all excited about my introvert recovery evening, "Are you an introvert?" No, I think needing a night off after a full week of intensely social 14-15 hour days does not qualify me as a raging introvert. I'm really an ambivert, but the extroverted part of me needs no special attention, the way my life is set up, whereas I really have to make a concerted effort to make sure I get some good down time here or there.

Current Mood: tietie

2.5 years ago:

Before I started at my current job, there was a minor ruckus about my position that I don't really know much about, but a result of it was that when I came on board, there was some ruckus about me in a small corner of the organization that didn't matter a whole lot to me. One woman in particular -- Cindy -- made it very clear right away that she didn't like me or the job I'd been hired to do, and she's the sort of person who takes a lot of pride in being harsh and "tell it like it is", so she was quite explicit in letting me know the ways that I was not up to snuff in her opinion, starting with my hair and continuing to my professional background as she knew it. Okay, fine, this is someone I have to deal with very infrequently (though not never), so, ok, I'll ignore all the bullshit and just do my job as professionally as possible around her. Which I do.

2 years ago:

Cindy had led an irrelevant campaign trying to prevent my promotion. I got promoted.

1 month ago:

Cindy said to Michele, who reports to me, that she'd like to move to supporting someone in our division. Michele says to Cindy, "Of course that would mean reporting to Rosa ..." and Cindy responds, "Well, that might not be so bad."

This week:

Someone I've never heard of emails me to ask if we can have lunch, saying Cindy suggested she contact me. Later that day, I run into Cindy and say, "Hey, your friend emailed me. We're gonna have lunch sometime!" Cindy says, "I've known her since she was born and she just started working here and she's having a real hard time finding people who are weird and interesting, and I told her she could reach out to you, that you know all the best weird people to know and that you could really help her. Thanks for taking her under your wing."

Current Mood: happy

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Entries tagged with work

something I like about my job

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mentor

a 400 finger team

a numbers game

also I like chaos

Change and making things happen

Dev Retreat 2015

to be of use

Because one day of Thanksgiving isn't enough (1 of 7)

unconscious bias at work

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