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is this thing on?
Feb. 1st, 2018 09:13 pmI was thrilled to notice how light the sky was at 5pm today! Hope for brighter days.
#yesallwomen
May. 27th, 2014 01:28 pmWhen I bought my first laptop, it was far and away my most expensive single purchase in my life to date -- almost $2000!. And so small and easy to steal.
Soon after purchasing it, I was catching a very early morning flight for a trip on which I was bringing my laptop, so I found myself walking to the T around 5am, when almost no one was around, and some of the people I passed were clearly coming home from a rowdy night. It made me tense and anxious in a way that walking around my neighborhood never had before: I felt so strongly aware of how much money I was carrying in the form of an easily stolen laptop. I also felt super aware of the lack of witnesses or friendly eyes if anything were to happen to me. I'd never felt such high alert!
Nothing particular out of the ordinary happened. I made it to the airport just fine and without incident. I used that laptop into the ground, replacing it 6 years later, and I took it on many trips with me: some to the local coffee shop, some to friends' houses, some on longer travels. I never again felt as anxious and high-alert as I did that morning. At this point, I've been carrying a laptop frequently for about 15 years, and it's still the single most expensive easily stolen object I own. But I don't really feel different when I carry it, in part because I've gotten used to having it with me.
The danger, whatever level, of course, is the same regardless of how safe I feel. But if I always feel unsafe, my behavior will probably change. Maybe I'll curtail my movements and make different choices about how to move through the world. Maybe I'll be more tentative going out at night; I might only stick to neighborhoods I know.
This is another part of the equation of the experience of gender in the world. Society hammers home that women are always at risk, so women make different choices. Women get to live in a smaller world or with higher anxiety (or both!) because of the ongoing messaging that we get about how the world isn't safe for us AND that if we get hurt as a result of disregarding these warnings, we'll be blamed for being stupid or naive.
The world is actually pretty safe, and there are big consequences to instilling in any group the message that the world is not safe FOR THEM. I'd like that to be part of the #yesallwomen conversation.
Soon after purchasing it, I was catching a very early morning flight for a trip on which I was bringing my laptop, so I found myself walking to the T around 5am, when almost no one was around, and some of the people I passed were clearly coming home from a rowdy night. It made me tense and anxious in a way that walking around my neighborhood never had before: I felt so strongly aware of how much money I was carrying in the form of an easily stolen laptop. I also felt super aware of the lack of witnesses or friendly eyes if anything were to happen to me. I'd never felt such high alert!
Nothing particular out of the ordinary happened. I made it to the airport just fine and without incident. I used that laptop into the ground, replacing it 6 years later, and I took it on many trips with me: some to the local coffee shop, some to friends' houses, some on longer travels. I never again felt as anxious and high-alert as I did that morning. At this point, I've been carrying a laptop frequently for about 15 years, and it's still the single most expensive easily stolen object I own. But I don't really feel different when I carry it, in part because I've gotten used to having it with me.
The danger, whatever level, of course, is the same regardless of how safe I feel. But if I always feel unsafe, my behavior will probably change. Maybe I'll curtail my movements and make different choices about how to move through the world. Maybe I'll be more tentative going out at night; I might only stick to neighborhoods I know.
This is another part of the equation of the experience of gender in the world. Society hammers home that women are always at risk, so women make different choices. Women get to live in a smaller world or with higher anxiety (or both!) because of the ongoing messaging that we get about how the world isn't safe for us AND that if we get hurt as a result of disregarding these warnings, we'll be blamed for being stupid or naive.
The world is actually pretty safe, and there are big consequences to instilling in any group the message that the world is not safe FOR THEM. I'd like that to be part of the #yesallwomen conversation.
there is such thing as too much fun
Mar. 21st, 2014 06:25 pmI arrived in Austin on Monday around noon, and it's been nonstop fun ever since! I'm wiped out, which is great, since tomorrow I fly to SF and do it all again there! :D :D
I mean, actually, everything is fine; I have an incredibly great bunch of colleagues down here, and it's super fun to see them and go out with them all the damn time, but I think I might actually wind up with basically a free night tonight, which simultaneously makes me wish I'd gotten tickets to SF for tonight AND makes me feel so grateful for a night off that I could pee myself with excitement about it.
Other great things:
* it's been in the 70s or low 80s every day I've been here. PURE BLISS.
* the food scene here is more like SF and less like Boston -- lots of locavore gastropubs and such
* including the best truffle fries I've ever had!
* really good to get face time with the people here
A coworker asked me as I left the office this afternoon all excited about my introvert recovery evening, "Are you an introvert?" No, I think needing a night off after a full week of intensely social 14-15 hour days does not qualify me as a raging introvert. I'm really an ambivert, but the extroverted part of me needs no special attention, the way my life is set up, whereas I really have to make a concerted effort to make sure I get some good down time here or there.
I mean, actually, everything is fine; I have an incredibly great bunch of colleagues down here, and it's super fun to see them and go out with them all the damn time, but I think I might actually wind up with basically a free night tonight, which simultaneously makes me wish I'd gotten tickets to SF for tonight AND makes me feel so grateful for a night off that I could pee myself with excitement about it.
Other great things:
* it's been in the 70s or low 80s every day I've been here. PURE BLISS.
* the food scene here is more like SF and less like Boston -- lots of locavore gastropubs and such
* including the best truffle fries I've ever had!
* really good to get face time with the people here
A coworker asked me as I left the office this afternoon all excited about my introvert recovery evening, "Are you an introvert?" No, I think needing a night off after a full week of intensely social 14-15 hour days does not qualify me as a raging introvert. I'm really an ambivert, but the extroverted part of me needs no special attention, the way my life is set up, whereas I really have to make a concerted effort to make sure I get some good down time here or there.
(no subject)
Jul. 3rd, 2013 08:21 amWhen you're throwing a party, what makes it feel successful to you? Unsuccessful? What are the things you feel like you have control over to improve your chances of success? What is out of your control?
When you are attending a party, what makes it feel successful/unsuccessful to you? Do you feel like there are things you have control over about that?
When you are attending a party, what makes it feel successful/unsuccessful to you? Do you feel like there are things you have control over about that?
making friends
Aug. 9th, 2012 03:47 pmI'm reading this article on the NYTimes about the difficulty making friends as an adult, and it reminds me that I've been thinking about the logistics of friendships.
There are lots of different kinds of friends, right? There are the friends you knew years ago and don't see or keep up with, but when you do see each other every few years, it's a delight and leaves you wanting more. There are friends you see all the time, and friends you see occasionally, and friends you are friends with circumstantially rather than through any particular intention.
In the 2011 confessional,![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
contessagrrl wrote a fantastic comment about being a better friend. Relatedly, I've been thinking recently about how you turn an acquaintance into a friend.
I can't count how many times I have said to someone, "Hey, you're awesome, it's been so good to meet, let's totally get together sometime soon!", and had them agree enthusiastically, and then neither of us follow up. This is totally okay, if disappointing, because in any given instance, we mutually drop the ball, which can be driven by all sorts of things: lack of time, lack of motivation, lack of interest-enough-in-the-face-of-other-commitments, or whatever.
But here's what works:
When I know someone socially who I want to know better as a friend, I go out of my way to make firm plans with them. This can be a quick coffee date or a longer experiential date or something in between, but the hard work of making it happen isn't the thing itself, but the matter of changing our habits (which currently don't include each other) to make space to get to know each other better.
How do you do this? Write a quick email: "Hey! I see there's free ice cream at Local Icecream Shop next Wednesday. Care to join me for a cone at 7 that evening? If not, maybe you'd like to get together for a slushy the following Wednesday or Thursday? I hope it works out!" -- note the lack of "sometime" in the suggestions.
Having something concrete makes the whole conversation go more smoothly, because either the person can make it at one of those times, or it inspires them to come back with other specific suggestions, OR it gives them a graceful out by NOT giving other suggestions and just saying, "Oh, sorry, I don't think that will work, but I look forward to seeing you at Mutual Friend's party in September."
It's not that this always works perfectly, but I so often hear people complain that the people they want to get to know never reach out to them ... but they also don't take a proactive approach to initiating these connections. And, while there's no formula for how to make each individual friendship work the way you want it to -- that's up to the people in the friendship -- there IS a formula for getting to know people and giving it a chance to get off the ground. Maybe it will; maybe it won't, but you don't actually know until you try it out.
I'm also a huge fan of putting a note in my calendar to remind me to email someone for the next round of getting-together before they're in my habitual list of people I socialize with and notice if we haven't seen each other in too long. Another good approach can be to have the next plans on the calendar before the current plan wraps up, if the friendship is still in the nascent stage where it would be easy for it to die off without careful tending, OR if both parties are reliably busy enough that you won't get to see each other as much as you'd like without that attention.
What tricks do you like for getting a new connection off the ground?
There are lots of different kinds of friends, right? There are the friends you knew years ago and don't see or keep up with, but when you do see each other every few years, it's a delight and leaves you wanting more. There are friends you see all the time, and friends you see occasionally, and friends you are friends with circumstantially rather than through any particular intention.
In the 2011 confessional,
contessagrrl wrote a fantastic comment about being a better friend. Relatedly, I've been thinking recently about how you turn an acquaintance into a friend.I can't count how many times I have said to someone, "Hey, you're awesome, it's been so good to meet, let's totally get together sometime soon!", and had them agree enthusiastically, and then neither of us follow up. This is totally okay, if disappointing, because in any given instance, we mutually drop the ball, which can be driven by all sorts of things: lack of time, lack of motivation, lack of interest-enough-in-the-face-of-other-commitments, or whatever.
But here's what works:
When I know someone socially who I want to know better as a friend, I go out of my way to make firm plans with them. This can be a quick coffee date or a longer experiential date or something in between, but the hard work of making it happen isn't the thing itself, but the matter of changing our habits (which currently don't include each other) to make space to get to know each other better.
How do you do this? Write a quick email: "Hey! I see there's free ice cream at Local Icecream Shop next Wednesday. Care to join me for a cone at 7 that evening? If not, maybe you'd like to get together for a slushy the following Wednesday or Thursday? I hope it works out!" -- note the lack of "sometime" in the suggestions.
Having something concrete makes the whole conversation go more smoothly, because either the person can make it at one of those times, or it inspires them to come back with other specific suggestions, OR it gives them a graceful out by NOT giving other suggestions and just saying, "Oh, sorry, I don't think that will work, but I look forward to seeing you at Mutual Friend's party in September."
It's not that this always works perfectly, but I so often hear people complain that the people they want to get to know never reach out to them ... but they also don't take a proactive approach to initiating these connections. And, while there's no formula for how to make each individual friendship work the way you want it to -- that's up to the people in the friendship -- there IS a formula for getting to know people and giving it a chance to get off the ground. Maybe it will; maybe it won't, but you don't actually know until you try it out.
I'm also a huge fan of putting a note in my calendar to remind me to email someone for the next round of getting-together before they're in my habitual list of people I socialize with and notice if we haven't seen each other in too long. Another good approach can be to have the next plans on the calendar before the current plan wraps up, if the friendship is still in the nascent stage where it would be easy for it to die off without careful tending, OR if both parties are reliably busy enough that you won't get to see each other as much as you'd like without that attention.
What tricks do you like for getting a new connection off the ground?
Boston Poly Speed Dating, #2!
Nov. 18th, 2011 11:19 amfennel and I are pleased to announce Boston's second Poly Speed Dating event! Oursuper-charged matching algorithm takes into account the complexity of gender, of varying age ranges, and of couples and trios dating together. Please join us in opening the fun of speed dating to a broader community-- all sexualities, genders and hair colors are welcome.
Please join us on
Tuesday, December 13 at
OBERON
2 Arrow Street Cambridge, MA
www.cluboberon.com
Doors open at 7, with the event starting at 7:30.
For more information, and to pre-register, visit http://boston.polyspeeddating.com/index.html
Pre-registration (strongly encouraged) is $20, and registration at the door is $25. Scholarships are available to those who can't afford full price, and donations are welcome to augment the scholarship fund.
chocolate making class
Oct. 4th, 2011 11:48 amI just bought today's deal from Living Social: Chocolate making class from Chocolee.
I haven't done it, yet, but I thought some of you might be interested, too! (I'm going with a couple of coworkers, so we may or may not be able to coordinate with others to go at the same time.)
I haven't done it, yet, but I thought some of you might be interested, too! (I'm going with a couple of coworkers, so we may or may not be able to coordinate with others to go at the same time.)
secret clubs
May. 9th, 2011 01:13 pmThe world is full of unspoken clubs and status groups that most people don't know exist until you suddenly find yourself in one. I've heard plenty of people talk about marriage this way, that people interact with them differently after they've gotten married. Others might be career or skills related, or social/financial status.
What are some groups that you've found yourself in, and only realizing that the group existed once you were part of it?
What are some groups that you've found yourself in, and only realizing that the group existed once you were part of it?
Poly Speed Dating help?
Apr. 24th, 2011 10:54 pmHi! Are you excited about Poly Speed Dating, but you're not looking for new partners at the moment? If you want to be part of the fun, we could use a few volunteers this Tuesday evening in Cambridge. Let me know if you can help out for a few hours!
Boston Poly Speed Dating
Mar. 28th, 2011 12:52 pmRegistration for Boston Poly Speed Dating is open! The event will be on Tuesday, April 26th, at the Friendly Toast in Cambridge. We're really excited!
If you're not in the Boston area, not poly, not looking for dates, or do not like doing things speedily, but you know somebody who is all of those things, please spread the word!
If you're not in the Boston area, not poly, not looking for dates, or do not like doing things speedily, but you know somebody who is all of those things, please spread the word!
online speed dating
Feb. 13th, 2011 06:18 pmThis year's confessional has turned up many lonely hearts and some missed connections. One of the anonymous posters suggested a quick and dirty personals thread to see if an LJ thread can be used to create a happier 2011.
Here are the rules:
* Post with your regular LJ account.
* Tell us a few things about you.
* Tell us a few things about who you are looking for.
* 239 words or less. (The length of my 2011 confessional post.)
* Include one picture 239 x 239 pixels or less- any picture!
* No replies in the thread - reply directly to the poster.
* The thread closes in one week.
Have at it, and have fun! I want naming rights to any new household that forms as a result of this.
Here are the rules:
* Post with your regular LJ account.
* Tell us a few things about you.
* Tell us a few things about who you are looking for.
* 239 words or less. (The length of my 2011 confessional post.)
* Include one picture 239 x 239 pixels or less- any picture!
* No replies in the thread - reply directly to the poster.
* The thread closes in one week.
Have at it, and have fun! I want naming rights to any new household that forms as a result of this.
The Aviation
Mar. 23rd, 2010 08:10 pm
How can any drink that comes with three cherries and a lemon wedge be wrong?
(no subject)
Jan. 21st, 2010 04:26 pmToday's poll about toothbrushing and walking around came out of a conversation also about levels of "intimacy" of certain actvities, and how differently people can draw those lines. So, for example, I'm always a little amazed when I see someone putting on makeup in public (not a restroom), because it's such a mismatch with my individual, "Hey! That's personal..." scale. I feel similarly about clipping or filing nails: these things are okay to do with friends, but not strangers. On the other hand, I'm happy to brush my hair in public (or my equivalent, anyway, which doesn't involve a brush or comb.)
Then, there are more intimate things, like peeing with someone else in the room (no stalls), or being in the room while someone else is peeing -- I feel fine about doing either with a reasonably close friend or lover, but it's a definite mark of a more "inner circle" relationship. And crying is a VERY inner circle activity for me.
What are some of your relative markers of social intimacy?
Then, there are more intimate things, like peeing with someone else in the room (no stalls), or being in the room while someone else is peeing -- I feel fine about doing either with a reasonably close friend or lover, but it's a definite mark of a more "inner circle" relationship. And crying is a VERY inner circle activity for me.
What are some of your relative markers of social intimacy?
(no subject)
Mar. 18th, 2009 11:46 amI'll be at Akamai for a special Earth Day celebration on ... Earth Day (April 22) from 11:30-1ish. I know a bunch of y'all work there, so you should be sure to come by, and, hey, maybe we can have lunch!
(no subject)
Feb. 16th, 2009 10:56 amOne of the tricky social situations that I haven't quite sorted out how I'm happiest handling it is when someone I'm not particularly close to steps on my toes.
If it's someone I'm close to, we have a relationship in which to talk about it and air my grievances, and I probably even want to do that, because by having that kind of conversation, we reinforce our relationship. If, on the other hand, it's someone I merely know socially, for example, I probably don't want to put that kind of energy and work into our relationship, especially if they've just done something that makes me cranky. Why would I want to open up enough to explain what was upsetting to me if that will strengthen a relationship that's not important to me and in which my current feelings are primarily negative?
This usually comes up in the context of acquaintances who I see occasionally in social contexts, and the main reason to bring up any grievance in this setting is to smooth those interactions in the future and possibly to help me not resent seeing them at parties and events. OR in the case of someone who's more socially proximate than that, to avoid the awkward move of ceasing to invite them to social events that I might have invited them to in the past before the toe-stepping.
It seems to me that this is where the interfering social busybody role is important in a larger social circle. I could let drop to ISB that I'm pissed off about how so-and-so did thus-and-such and didn't even have the good grace to apologize, and ISB can take S-A-S out for drinks and say, "Oh, by the way, I'm sure you were already thinking about this and just haven't gotten around to it, but you might want to apologize for that thing ..."
If it's someone I'm close to, we have a relationship in which to talk about it and air my grievances, and I probably even want to do that, because by having that kind of conversation, we reinforce our relationship. If, on the other hand, it's someone I merely know socially, for example, I probably don't want to put that kind of energy and work into our relationship, especially if they've just done something that makes me cranky. Why would I want to open up enough to explain what was upsetting to me if that will strengthen a relationship that's not important to me and in which my current feelings are primarily negative?
This usually comes up in the context of acquaintances who I see occasionally in social contexts, and the main reason to bring up any grievance in this setting is to smooth those interactions in the future and possibly to help me not resent seeing them at parties and events. OR in the case of someone who's more socially proximate than that, to avoid the awkward move of ceasing to invite them to social events that I might have invited them to in the past before the toe-stepping.
It seems to me that this is where the interfering social busybody role is important in a larger social circle. I could let drop to ISB that I'm pissed off about how so-and-so did thus-and-such and didn't even have the good grace to apologize, and ISB can take S-A-S out for drinks and say, "Oh, by the way, I'm sure you were already thinking about this and just haven't gotten around to it, but you might want to apologize for that thing ..."
How to Apologize
Jan. 8th, 2009 12:22 pmWe all fuck up sometimes. It sucks, and we hate it. But almost always, when we fuck up, we need to apologize for it. Frequently, there's more to do, as well, but even if there are other amends to make, the apology is a non-optional step. Here are some tips:
Say it's come to your attention that you fucked up. How do you handle it?
( How to apologize, in 6 steps. )
We can't stop ourselves from fucking up sometimes, but we can stop ourselves from being jerks about it afterwards.
Say it's come to your attention that you fucked up. How do you handle it?
( How to apologize, in 6 steps. )
We can't stop ourselves from fucking up sometimes, but we can stop ourselves from being jerks about it afterwards.
(no subject)
Dec. 29th, 2008 11:09 pmThere was a time in my life when I would get phone calls in the middle of the night from drunken friends. Almost invariably, others at the party would take turns on the phone, narrating the events of the party, hassling each other, suggesting I get up and have a drink in their honor if I wouldn't pry myself out of bed to come to the party, etc.
Somewhere along the way, that has turned into drunken friends taking turns on one person's computer in order to send me drunken IMs, narrating the events of the party, hassling each other ...
I'm tickled.
Somewhere along the way, that has turned into drunken friends taking turns on one person's computer in order to send me drunken IMs, narrating the events of the party, hassling each other ...
I'm tickled.
