How to Apologize

[aroraborealis]

We all fuck up sometimes. It sucks, and we hate it. But almost always, when we fuck up, we need to apologize for it. Frequently, there's more to do, as well, but even if there are other amends to make, the apology is a non-optional step. Here are some tips:

Say it's come to your attention that you fucked up. How do you handle it?


Step 1: Get defensive. No, don't get defensive to the person informing you of your fuckup (unless it's a third party and you just need to blow off steam). But it's okay to have a defensive reaction! Most of us mean well and really did have the best intentions when we blew it. Or we just weren't thinking. Rarely is it a matter of malice, and if it is, you've got bigger issues to sort through than figuring out how to apologize. So, let yourself have your defensive reaction. Recognize it and acknowledge it, because if you don't, it's going to fuck up your apology later.

Step 2: Pay attention. If the person you fucked up with is the one telling you about it, listen carefully to their complaint. Ask questions to make sure you understand the issues. Rephrase what they're saying in your own words and ask for clarification about the points you don't understand. You may think that your fuckup is that you were late whereas they may be upset about the fact that you didn't communicate about it. Same event, different issues. You can apologize for what you see as your fuckup, too, as long as you also acknowledge and apologize for the thing they're upset about.

Step 3: Say, "I'm sorry." Stop there. Don't say, "I'm sorry, but ..." Everything that comes after the "but" in that statement is likely to be defensive explanation. It might be useful to talk about this later, but it's not part of your apology. Don't say, "I'm sorry you feel that way," or "I'm sorry that's how you see it," or anything like that. That's not an apology but instead an expression of condolence akin to, "I'm sorry neighborhood punks egged your car." Just because it includes the words "I'm sorry" doesn't make it an apology.

Step 4: Explicate your apology, acknowledging what you learned in step 2. "I'm sorry I didn't call when I realized I was going to be late. I know that left you alone to the wolves at a party of people you don't know, and that sucks. I'm also sorry I was late at all, and I feel terrible about it."

Step 5: Are there things you need to do to further make amends? If you're going to make a plan to improve future behavior, great, but make sure they're realistic. Don't, for the love of all that's good in the world, promise something you can't meet. Do you need to fix something? Do it. It's okay to ask the person you're apologizing to if there's anything they need you to do to help them feel better about it, but don't make it their job to think of the amends you should make. Show that you've put some thought into it (by putting some thought into it).

Step 6: AFTER you have fully apologized, THEN you can talk about the factors that went into your fuckup. "I know this doesn't change your experience of it, but the reason I was late is that I was rescuing a baby from a burning building, and I had to wait for the paramedics to arrive before I could leave." This is your chance to explain your good intentions or hopes and other thoughts that came up for you during step 1 and feeling defensive. It's important not to retroactively undermine your apology during this step by putting more energy into defensively explaining what happened than you did into apologizing.

Miscellany:

If you realize you fucked up before the person brings it up, that's awesome. This is your big chance to make it all your job to fix it. It's always better to be proactive. Don't wait; apologize today!

Don't overdo it. A dramatic apology for a small offense blows things out of proportion. You accidentally kicked someone under the table while crossing your legs? A sincere, "Oh, I'm so sorry! Are you okay?" is all you need. Overblowing an apology can, at times, be worse than no apology at all.

The apology is not your opportunity to make the other person take care of you or your problems. You may feel terrible and it may connect to deep-seated issues in you. That's a great thing to know and maybe even to work on with the person you're apologizing to, if you have that kind of relationship, but that should be a different conversation.

Okay? Let's review:

Step 1: Be defensive somewhere else.
Step 2: Pay attention and ask questions.
Step 3: Apologize, full stop.
Step 4: Expand on your apology, if appropriate.
Step 5: Make other amends as necessary.
Step 6: After a full apology, explain without getting defensive, your intentions or the circumstances that led to the mistake.


We can't stop ourselves from fucking up sometimes, but we can stop ourselves from being jerks about it afterwards.

Comments

[lillibet.livejournal.com]

This is beautiful. Mind if I link to it?

[aroraborealis.livejournal.com]

Feel free!

[dbang.livejournal.com]

"Step 3: Apologize, full stop."

Two common failures on this one are:

1. "I'm sorry BUT..." (as in "I'm sorry BUT here's why what I did wasn't so bad" or "I'm sorry BUT I think you are overreacting")

2. "I'm sorry IF..." (as in "I'm sorry if I hurt you").

That second one is particularly pernicious because it means that the apologizer is not actually taking responsibility for his or her actions. It defeats the purpose of step 2 by failing to acknowledge that one has, in fact, done something worth apologizing for.

[hammercock.livejournal.com]

That second one is particularly pernicious because it means that the apologizer is not actually taking responsibility for his or her actions. It defeats the purpose of step 2 by failing to acknowledge that one has, in fact, done something worth apologizing for.

Not only that, it blames the wronged person for having the temerity to feel wronged.

[dbang.livejournal.com]

Ah. I hadn't actually looked at it that way.

[intuition-ist.livejournal.com]

i agree with #1. #2 is a little less clear (to me, anyway), since that's a common idiom that someone might use if they're trying to apologize for real.

from my experience, what matters is that the person apologizing is sincere, even if their grasp of the english language is less than stellar.

[dbang.livejournal.com]

the person reading this advice has the advantage to now understand that "if" makes their apology less effective. And this is an advice post. So there you go.

[dpolicar]

To my mind, "I'm sorry if..." unpacks as "I don't actually think I did anything wrong, or at least I'm not sure I did, but I would like to be understood as apologizing anyway."

I agree with you that sometimes that can be a real apology. "I know we were really loud last night; I'm sorry if we kept you awake" is one thing; "I'm sorry if you were annoyed by my music" is not so much.

[catya.livejournal.com]

nicely written!

[vito-excalibur.livejournal.com]

norah also had a great post on this subject.

I particularly like the "be defensive somewhere else" step you added, I think it's vital in some cases!

[dbang.livejournal.com]

Here's another tip. Any use of the phrase "...I'm sorry [that] you..." is not an apology.

[veek.livejournal.com]

"I'm sorry that you had to cover for me when I snuck out of work early. That wasn't a fair position to put you in."

[dbang.livejournal.com]

Heh. Okay. Any apology containing the phrase "...I'm sorry [that] you..." is automatically suspect and should only be offered after carefully asking yourself "is this really an apology"?

[sol3.livejournal.com]

Maybe someone should forward this post to Bart Police HQ.

[veek.livejournal.com]

That's great, and step 1 in particular hadn't occurred to me.

Apologizing is hard. Thank you for posting this.

[moominmolly.livejournal.com]

It is hard. I applaud this post with ALL of my hands.

[dpolicar]

(nods) Yup.

An additional note: step 2 can be tricky. This isn't true just for apologies, its true for active listening in general.

Some people use a variation of this technique to distort the communication, where they ask questions and rephrase in a way that strengthens their own position. ("So, you're upset because I didn't drop what I was doing quickly enough in order to go out of my way to pick you up when you wanted?")

And some people have been burned by that often enough that just the form of it sets them off.

If step 2 seems to be going pear-shaped this way, it's sometimes worth taking an iterative approach: engage steps 3 and 4 even without a complete understanding of what the complaint is, to establish that you really are prepared to apologize. Then, come back around to step 2 if there are still questions that are important, and apologize for those as well.

[gilana]

Very nicely written.

Sometimes it can be useful to apologize for the effect, even if you don't feel you were wrong in the action. It's often important to acknowledge "I'm sorry that I hurt you" even if you may argue about the way in which you hurt the person.

[goat.livejournal.com]

Awesome! When do we get more lessons in social skills?

[aroraborealis.livejournal.com]

The first one's free ... ;)

[starphire.livejournal.com]

I like your advice so much, I'd like to ask for more please. :)

Say you've done all of the first 4 perfectly, even realized it and apologized, full stop, before it was brought up. Say step 5 is hard because the person you fucked up with can't or won't talk with you about it beyond step 3 or 4 and they become distant or avoidant but remain pleasant in public. Is it appropriate to check in much later to see if they're willing to hear your explanation, or do you drop it forever?

[aroraborealis.livejournal.com]

Step 5 assumes an ongoing relationship, and part of its function is to bring that relationship back into balance. As such, it's as much or more for you as/than for the person you're trying to make amends to. If there's not an ongoing relationship (whether due to your fuckup or for other reasons), making further amends may be all about making yourself feel better.

In general, in this case, if I feel strongly about trying to make things better with the person, I definitely think it's okay to check in much later in a very low-pressure way as long as you're totally, totally willing for the answer to be, "No, I don't want to hear your explanation." If I'm going to sulk after I get that response, I'd damn well better just sit on it.

[starphire.livejournal.com]

I understand, and I totally agree with you on that last part.
Thanks!

[dpolicar]

Not to in any way reduce ab's incentive to respond, but I'll toss my two cents here.

One interesting possibility here is that your apology isn't actually as perfect as you thought it was -- in particular, that step 2 got botched and you never really did understand what hurt the person. (This seems more likely in cases, as you say, where you've apologized without them bringing it up and they're unwilling/unable to talk with you about it.)
In that case it might be worthwhile to approach the subject again, not with the intention of giving them the explanation they wouldn't listen to the first time, but with the intention of listening to what they have to say that maybe didn't get heard the first time.

Another is that, your perfect apology notwithstanding, the other person hasn't forgiven you. Which is their right. In which case it's really in your court: if it's important to you that your explanation be heard, go ahead and check in. If that's really just a wrapper around wanting to be forgiven, though, it gets dicey.

[dpolicar]

Heh. Or I could have just sat tight and let ab reply.

[rezendi.livejournal.com]

Back when I worked for consulting companies, from time to time we had to apologize to clients for screwups. I found that the most important step was one that might be subsumed under (5) above: Explain what you're doing to make sure it doesn't happen again.

[sandhawke.livejournal.com]

Yes, I think that's more true in a professional context. (not sure why.)

[istemi.livejournal.com]

I'd add, stay on Step 4 until the person has really heard the apology and it's sunk in. I can think of a few instances where it needed a few repetitions until the person felt the harm had been recognized and they had been heard. You can't move on until it happens.

In one instance, the apologizer got into a huff that he should have to repeat it, because didn't she realize how that made HIM feel? Obviously she had a problem with men, because he'd already said sorry. He left that social circle after much drama.

[whynotkay.livejournal.com]

Excellent post. I'm especially bad at step 3 ("I'm sorry, but[INSERT GIANT DEFENSIVE EXCUSE HERE]").

[moominmolly.livejournal.com]

*laugh* me too. I should keep that one in mind the most.

[water-childe.livejournal.com]

i used to fuck that one up two.
i find that using the word 'context' is helpful.
as in, "hey this is the context of why i thought/acted that way. it does not excuse my hurting you in any way. it's only context. clearly i misunderstood something and thus i screwed up badly. i offer you this context only because i really don't want to make this same error again, and thus risk further injury. i'm so sorry this happened and i want to be responsible for my actions. you don't have to answer me right now, but if you can think of anything else i might be mistaken about in terms of this situation, i'd really appreciate further clarification."

[aroraborealis.livejournal.com]

Yeah, that's, I think, pretty normal!

The thing is, the explanation is often relevant and important! It's just really really important to keep it separate from the apology, especially at first.

Which sucks, because when I'm apologizing, I want to be really sure the person knows I'm not bad, and the best way to do that is to explain!

[cuthalion.livejournal.com]

Now I want to fuck up more so I can use this!

[qwrrty.livejournal.com]

Holy unintended consequences, Batman!

[dpolicar]

if you're in that lucky subset of people who don't have a backlog of fuckups to apologize for, take a moment to be thankful for that. :-)

[fanw.livejournal.com]

Definitely a good post. I forget sometimes that a lot of people don't know this. It's like basic people etiquette and yet it's gotten wrong SO many times. And it's not like fixing a problem versus listening. In my experience, EVERYONE prefers what you've listed here.

The only additional note I have is this. If you feel you deserve an apology, don't fuel your anger by expecting change where none has been elicited.
1) If the person realizes the offense and apologizes, then great.
2) If they don't and you want behavior change from this individual, you NEED to communicate it. Failure to recognize the error and failure to apologize are two VERY different things, the first being insensitivity (or distractedness) and the second being meanness. These deserve totally different actions.
3) If you don't interact with this person much or don't care or know they are just deliberately bad, then don't sweat it. Be mad for the offense, but don't be doubly mad for the lack of apology. It ain't worth it.

Hi:) Found my way here through <lj user="minerva42">'s link

[oneagain.livejournal.com]

Yes, we do all fuck up sometimes. I find it fascinating how third parties seem to sanction such fuck-ups when they came from friends of theirs, without encouraging said friends to make such apologies. Good for you for at least trying to set some guidelines for a good way to do so; looks like there are even some well-meaning folk reading you who are taking it to heart. Goodonya:)

We can all still learn from each other this way and so many others, if only we can figure out how to listen and curb our behaviors to be as un-hurtful as possible. Funny, I expect the folk who could benefit most from reading this, however, are not, are at least not taking to heart. Contrary to popular opinion, though, preaching to the choir is not always a bad idea, especially if you have ideas they have not thought of. Everyone could use reminders now and then, anyway.

[muffyjo]

Very nicely put. lilllibet pointed me here and I have to admit, she's right. That's well thought through and clearly written. Thank you.

[bensong1.livejournal.com]

Brilliant and inspired (although I suspect that you might have preferred not to have the inspiration, whatever it was).

[laurenhat.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry if you've perceived some action of mine as warranting an LJ lesson in apology, but I don't really think I needed this instruction at all -- it must be your perception that was in error.

;)

Seriously, this is a great list. It's so hard to do this sometimes, but so important. Thanks!

[catness.livejournal.com]

This all makes perfect sense. One of my unlisted new years resolutions is to stop hanging out with people who won't take this kind of responsibility for themselves. *dusts hands*

[sparkymonster.livejournal.com]

Do you mind if I link this widely?

[aroraborealis.livejournal.com]

Please, feel free!

[mittere.livejournal.com]

So I read this awhile ago, and thought, "Wow, this would be awesome to print out and share with the kids that I work with, because all of them need to apologize for things, and most of them don't know how." (I get apologies like, "I'm sorry I did x yesterday because I got in trouble, but I learned my lesson--I haven't broken any rules all day today except for stupid ones.")

Yesterday at a meeting it was decided that we need to write a set of instructions for the kids to use when they need to write formal apologies.

I would like to use this as the basis for our instructions. I would need to take out all the "fucks" and probably do a fair amount of other editing to make it work for us. May I? And how would you like to be credited, if at all? (Bearing in mind that I would be using this in a juvenile justice facility (aka juvie lockup).

[aroraborealis.livejournal.com]

Hey, thanks! Yes, please feel free, and you can credit me as Rosa Carson however feels right -- "based on original instructions by" or something like that? Also, I'd be curious to see your final version, too!

[mittere.livejournal.com]

Awesome--thank you!

[halseaon.livejournal.com]

This was an excellent amazing well-writen how-to-guide. BLK sent me here. Thanks for making this a public entry.

[bustedflush.livejournal.com]

Great post, thank you. Steps two and tree are so important and so difficult; pointing them out with this sort of clarity is enormously helpful.

[bzero]

Someone linked to this, and I find it potentially very useful (I have to do a lot of apologizing!). Thanks for posting!