my cat is dying

[aroraborealis]

My cat is dying. Not today, and not tomorrow, but this year, and probably soon.

She's been old so long! I thought she might die soon after we moved into this house, when she developed an upper respiratory infection and stopped loving life, and if she had died then, at 13 or 14, she would have been a normally lived cat. I thought she had died when she disappeared for two weeks a year later, but she came back, skinny and dirty but still full of lawnmower purrs and clear insistence that my lap was the place to be.

I don't know how old she really is. She came to me as a hand-me-down stray in 2004, and she was a full grown cat at the time. We guessed she was somewhere between 3 and 6, which would make her somewhere between 17 and 20 now. Anyway, she's old.

She's been on twice daily medications for years, more of them as time passes. Most recently, we added prednisolone to the mix. As a vet friend of mine -- not Kitty's vet -- says, "No animal should die without steroids."

Last week, after a few weeks of gradual slowing down in eating and general movement, she suddenly had a day of almost no movement, no eating. We increased the steroid dose, and she's perking up again, for now.

I've never had such an intimate relationship with someone dying. I've been with family members when they died, but never living with them day in and day out as they wind down. These days are so sweet. Knowing my time with her is short lets me really savor her goodness. She has this incredible purr, even now, and I love the way she purrs in anticipation of good things: treats, belly rubs, sitting on my lap.

I picture her descending a dark staircase, where I can see a step or two in front of her. Today, she's moving slowly, purring, eating only a little, and mostly treats. Someday soon, she'll move less, purr less, eat less. I can feel her moving away from me, slowly, but the thing is, I don't know how long the staircase is. So is it days? Weeks? Who can say.

I feel good that I'm doing right by her here. I'm working to give her the most good days we can, without subjecting her to intrusive tests for ailments I wouldn't treat, or that would cause her more suffering if we did treat them. It feels good to engage as honestly with I can with where she is, and to shift from focusing on the long term to focusing on her days. Sure, you want to eat treats only and never cat food? Fine, have whatever you want!

I hope I can see the moment when it's time to make a different decision. She's been a good companion for me, and I'm sad to be losing her.

Comments

[curly_chick]

Thank you for sharing. This is beautiful.

[aroraborealis]

<3

[coraline]

💔

[aroraborealis]

<3

[sparkleworker]

Thank you.

The inestimable Kris, my mentor at Smith, told me that her son trusts her because she's big and she can see what's coming down the path they both travel. I love that you're doing that for Kitty, and I'm glad you two have had such a long good life together.

<3

[aroraborealis]

Thank you, it felt really good to be able to do it for her.

[rmd]

I;m sorry - I went through this a few years ago with my cats - particularly the oldest one who lived to 20 (seen with her head in a jar of catnip in this userpic). It's the toughest part of having a pet companion, I think. Much sympathy and support, and I hope that you and she have as gentle a time of it as possible.

[aroraborealis]

Thank you, we did <3

It's so sad, but no question it's worth it!

[eestiplika]

So much love. What a kind and gentle exit/long goodbye. <3

[tshuma]

You are a good human, and she is lucky to have you. I'm sorry that you will lose her. They always break our hearts in the end, and they are so worth it.

[aroraborealis]

Thank you, and, yes, all of that.

[moominmolly]

I’m glad you have such a wonderful deep bond with her, and that you are able to navigate this transition with her with grace and love. ❤️

[aroraborealis]

Thank you <3

[veek]

Oh, sweet Kitty. I'd say I'm so sorry for your impending loss, and part of me is, but it's a beautiful thing to watch an elder statescat wind down peacefully. I am so glad that you are sharing this time with her, and that she has had you all these years. I will miss her stern face when she goes.

[aroraborealis]

Yeah, I'd always rather not say goodbye, but the goodbye is special in its own right. Thank you <3

[lifecollage]

Oh, sweet Kitty. Echoing everything said above, and sending light and peaceful love to you both. <3

[aroraborealis]

Thank you <3

[minerva42]

Sending you both warm thoughts. My cat is youngish (11) and it still feels strange to notice her aging. Cats live so quickly and yet so long. Plenty of time and space to carry parts of our hearts with them.

[aroraborealis]

Thank you! Very much so to all of that.

[muffyjo]

22.25 years of enjoying time with Ms. T and those last few years and months still resonate loudly in my memories. You put this beautifully and I hear your pain and your love. The love is amazing, right? This part is hard but the love makes it worth the effort. I hear you, I acknowledge you, and I offer you soothing and loving sentiment in return.

[aroraborealis]

Thank you! The love is so worthwhile. And the joy and challenge of sharing a life with a little nonhuman creature with a mind fo its own.