how to kill a blender

[aroraborealis]

Say you have an old blender, and you lust after a new blender. However, being the sensible person you are, you can't just replace a perfectly fine blender that does the job. I have a solution (tested and approved by kcatalyst and trom):

1. Buy chestnuts. Let them sit for a good long time until they're very dry.
2. Decide to make chestnut flour with the chestnuts.
3. After peeling the chestnuts (having a lot of wine on hand for this process is helpful), break up the pieces with a mallet or hammer.
4. Put the pieces into the grain mill. When the pieces are too big, take them out again, spilling some on the floor (drink more wine) and hit them some more with a hammer.
5. Decide that using the blender might be a more efficient way to break the pieces up enough to go through the grain mill.
6. Put hard, dried pieces of chestnut into blender.
7. Cover ears.
8. Turn blender on.
9. Wait for speeding chestnut pieces to crack a hole in the blender and send bits of chestnut shrapnel flying out the hole. (Do not stand in the path of chestnut shrapnel.) (Drink more wine.)
10. Go back to using a hammer.
11. Buy a new blender.

Comments

[snowy-owlet.livejournal.com]

The Wickeds still talk about the time that "we were going to make crafts but the blender went kablooey."

We were making paper. I think it was the first time they had heard the word "kablooey." Also, I think it was novel for them that an appliance exploded and no one got in trouble.

[lcohen]

that sounds like a lot of work. couldn't you just drop the blender?

[aroraborealis.livejournal.com]

That doesn't involve enough wine. With your suggestion, we've come up wtih a new approach:

1. Drink lots of wine.
2. Drop blender.

[pumpkin-pi.livejournal.com]

rofl!! That reminds me of a friend's method to kill a garbage disposal:

1) Get a craving for artichokes
2) Buy 4 artichokes
3) Steam artichokes and prepare a delicious butter and garlic dipping sauce
4) Drink wine and chat with friends while waiting for artichokes to cook
5) Revel in glorious artichokie goodness! And drink more wine.
6) Stay up late chatting and drinking wine
7) Start cleaning up right before bed
8) Place artichoke leaves in garbage disposal
9) Turn on garbage disposal
10) Scream and panic as horrendous noises echo throughout the kitchen
11) Turn off garbage disposal
12) Write a note to yourself to call the landlord in the morning
13) Have more wine.

♥η

[(Anonymous)]

I did in a blender with a lump of Parmesean cheese. Also did the artichoke trick but at the home of an in-law. Your father bailed me out with his big wrench, earning himself a reputation in his family as the man who can do anything.

[dalbino83.livejournal.com]

Or, use the blender for papermaking and don't follow the directions in my tutorial. Instead of cutting up the paper into small pieces before putting it in the blender, take a big fat stack and jam it in there. You'll burn out your blender in just a few minutes!

[dbang.livejournal.com]

12. (drink more wine)
13. (drink more wine)
14. (repeat previous 2 steps as necessary)

[penk.livejournal.com]

Ms. Borealis.

I represent the Blender Appreciation Protectors (BAP), and we've recently heard of your distasteful abuse of an elderly blender. Our understanding is you deliberately provoked it into an unstable state, at which point it broke down completely and had to be put down.

Our lawyers will be in touch.

[nminusone.livejournal.com]

When I was little I had electric race cars. Once I had one come out of the track in a turn, fly off the table and break apart. (It worked fine, just the plastic "body" snapped off.) The rest of the time I owned those cars I spent setting up tracks that led off the edge of things, just to see how far the cars would fly and how far they'd fall. Going in circles just seemed too boring after that.

Which is to say, breaking stuff is fun!

[trom.livejournal.com]

11) say fuck it, and buy a food processor instead and throw the old base of the blender in the garage should you find a new top for it at a garage sale....