pattern language
May. 10th, 2003 09:51 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
aroraborealisThere are these patterns in life, in interaction, that form in one relationship and then carry through into others. Sometimes this is good -- a pattern of joy or patience or listening -- and sometimes it's more challenging -- a pattern of fear or abandonment or anger. These are places that we might have emotional reactions out of proportion to the actual interaction because of past experiences that are similar.
In some ways, this is a kind of emotional laziness -- rather than coming up with a new response to a thing, we fall back on the old pattern. In other ways, it's a genuine way of feeling, because we can't separate ourselves from our pasts, and what has come before naturally informs how we, who we become.
But if I respond to an experience with Amy because of a past, similar, interactions with Bill, it may get in the way of having a fully formed relationship with Amy.
I think it's impossible to avoid this, and the question is more about how to be aware of these patterns. When I get grumpy with Amy, at least being able to identify some of it as grumpiness associated with past stuff with Bill is a start in being able to interact authentically with Amy. The next trick would be to get away from the pattern entirely, at least in being with Amy, but I'm not really sure how to do that, yet :)
In some ways, this is a kind of emotional laziness -- rather than coming up with a new response to a thing, we fall back on the old pattern. In other ways, it's a genuine way of feeling, because we can't separate ourselves from our pasts, and what has come before naturally informs how we, who we become.
But if I respond to an experience with Amy because of a past, similar, interactions with Bill, it may get in the way of having a fully formed relationship with Amy.
I think it's impossible to avoid this, and the question is more about how to be aware of these patterns. When I get grumpy with Amy, at least being able to identify some of it as grumpiness associated with past stuff with Bill is a start in being able to interact authentically with Amy. The next trick would be to get away from the pattern entirely, at least in being with Amy, but I'm not really sure how to do that, yet :)
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Date: 2003-05-11 06:20 am (UTC)"But if I respond to an experience with Amy because of a past, similar, interactions with Bill, it may get in the way of having a fully formed relationship with Amy."
becomes..
"But if I respond to an experience with Amy because of CURRENT, similar, interactions with Bill, it may get in the way of having a fully formed relationship with Amy."
This is especially true for me, where (mostly) Thud gets overreaction to stuff just because it's something that's going on, or has gone on recently, with Shayde and I..
And I'm with you in that I can usually identify when it's shadows something else, but being able to tlet go of that emotioanl response is a trickier thing.