(no subject)

[aroraborealis]

One of the tricky social situations that I haven't quite sorted out how I'm happiest handling it is when someone I'm not particularly close to steps on my toes.

If it's someone I'm close to, we have a relationship in which to talk about it and air my grievances, and I probably even want to do that, because by having that kind of conversation, we reinforce our relationship. If, on the other hand, it's someone I merely know socially, for example, I probably don't want to put that kind of energy and work into our relationship, especially if they've just done something that makes me cranky. Why would I want to open up enough to explain what was upsetting to me if that will strengthen a relationship that's not important to me and in which my current feelings are primarily negative?

This usually comes up in the context of acquaintances who I see occasionally in social contexts, and the main reason to bring up any grievance in this setting is to smooth those interactions in the future and possibly to help me not resent seeing them at parties and events. OR in the case of someone who's more socially proximate than that, to avoid the awkward move of ceasing to invite them to social events that I might have invited them to in the past before the toe-stepping.

It seems to me that this is where the interfering social busybody role is important in a larger social circle. I could let drop to ISB that I'm pissed off about how so-and-so did thus-and-such and didn't even have the good grace to apologize, and ISB can take S-A-S out for drinks and say, "Oh, by the way, I'm sure you were already thinking about this and just haven't gotten around to it, but you might want to apologize for that thing ..."

Comments

[dpolicar]

Yup. Overall I think ISB do more harm than good, but this is what they're good for.

[dbang.livejournal.com]

Yeah. That.

This also arises for me in work settings, where I am obliged to maintain collegial relations with someone for the long haul, even after they've pissed me off any number of times. If it was a CLOSE co-worker, then I'd try to work it out for both our sanity. but if it's someone more distant...meh.

[beowabbit]

Well, if I were S-A-S, I’d be grateful to to hear something like “Not a big deal in the grand scheme of things, and no need to respond unless you feel like it, but I wanted you to know I didn’t like it when you did X.” That would leave me free to apologize or not, but would correct my impression that since you always laugh nervously and get a funny look on your face when I do X, you must like it.

My notion of ISBs is that they generally have their own agenda, so if I were S-A-S and ISB approached me over drinks, I wouldn’t necessarily trust that I was getting an accurate message. (For that matter, if I were in your position, I wouldn’t necessarily trust ISB to pass the message along accurately, as opposed to making it all about when S-A-S got ISBs sister that really crappy and offensive birthday card.) But if ISB is somebody everybody trusts, then yeah, ISB can be really useful.

[redheadedmuse.livejournal.com]

I often try to stretch myself a little to confront people when they've mildly upset me as a kind of social service. I think I'm not the easiest person to offend, so if someone's rubbing me the wrong way, I am probably not the only person they've annoyed.

Likewise, I worry a great deal about accidentally stepping on someone's toes, and appreciate when someone can tell me I've done so with gentleness and candor.

The place I really struggle with this is when I'm hosting parties or social events. It's often hard for me to tell the difference between someone being difficult *for me* and being inappropriate in a way that bothers everyone in the room.

[lillibet.livejournal.com]

I get called on fairly often to function as an ISB. I try to keep my actual interference fairly minimal, but I've done "oh, by the way..." a couple times in the past month.

I often end up doing it around T@F, simply because I'm someone everyone in the group tends to feel relatively close to, I think. Or maybe they just think it's my responsibility :)

I doubt I'm close enough to either you or the SAS to be helpful in this case, but if I ever seem like the right person, feel free to ask. I won't always say "Don't worry, I'll take care of it," but if I feel as though I can, I will.

[jadia.livejournal.com]

My metric is "will talking to them help or can I solve this problem another way?" Sometimes saying something messes up the dynamics enough that it harms more than it helps.

You don't need an ISB, though - a mutual friend would be good enough. You could mention to a mutual friend and ask them for their opinion as to what's going on, and if you wanted you could ask the mutual friend to casually say something....

[curly-chick.livejournal.com]

I don't have a good answer to this either.

I would certainly want to know if I were the SAS but wouldn't necessarily know how to inform them if I were the person irritated either.

[keyne.livejournal.com]

Pretty much what he said.

[aroraborealis.livejournal.com]

Well, that works if it is, in fact, not a big deal in the grand scheme of things, but if it is ...

Say it's the kind of thing where if you apologize, it'll be no big deal, but if I bring it up and you don't feel inspired to apologize, I will not ever want to overlap in social space with you again. Then there's a certain motivation for me not to want to bring it up, lest you say, "Oh, yeah, whatever. *handwave*" At least before I open the box, there's the possibility that you'd respond "right", and therefore, I can continue to have casual social contact with you.

(PS - "you" is generic here, obviously :)

[(Anonymous)]

aww... a potential S-A-S who read this last week emailed you a very nice note, but your livejournal email doesn't seem to get to you. Care to leave another address?

[aroraborealis.livejournal.com]

My lj email SHOULD get to me! Hm. In any case, try rosa at churchofgravity dot net.

(note: dot net, not dot com. I keep messing that up!)